I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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