So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
