That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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