So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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