im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
someone owes me an orgasm
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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