Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
