I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
