I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
