i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
