so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
