Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
