i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
