He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just found a bag of teeth...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
