His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
