All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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