Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
