At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
