she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
