just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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