Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize