and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
