You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Randomize
