I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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