I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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