I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
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