god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
