It's like God shit irony all over that family
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
