dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
