I need help removing her.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
