i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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