P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
