i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
