Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
