My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
