you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
