a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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