Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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