Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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