i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
