Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I feel like death gave me a hand job
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
