Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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