You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
