Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
