i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
