wat bout pragnant strippers??
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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