if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
