I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
