A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
