The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
