Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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