How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Randomize
