last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
