I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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