apparently the secret to your success is patron
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
