Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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