Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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