If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
